Grief and Loss
There are many ways to work with Bereavement, Grief and Loss, and we will explore different theories to find a balance that feels right for you.
The Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief: Understanding the Healing Process
Grief is a natural response to loss, and understanding its emotional journey can help you process your feelings. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the Five Stages of Grief to describe common emotional experiences people go through when dealing with loss.
While not everyone experiences all stages or in a linear order, they provide a helpful framework for understanding the grieving process. They are:
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A defense mechanism that helps cushion the initial shock.
Feelings of numbness, disbelief, or avoidance.
Example: "I can’t believe they’re gone."
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Feelings of frustration, resentment, or even blame.
Anger may be directed at oneself, others, or the situation.
Example: "This isn’t fair. Who is responsible?"
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Attempting to regain control or make deals to change the outcome.
Feelings of guilt, regret, or "what if" thoughts.
Example: "If I had done things differently, this wouldn’t have happened."
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Deep sadness, withdrawal, and feelings of hopelessness.
Realisation of the true extent of the loss.
Example: "I don’t know how to move forward."
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Acknowledging the reality of the loss and beginning to heal.
This doesn’t mean forgetting, but finding a way to move forward.
Example: "This loss is painful, but I can find ways to cope."
Grief is not a linear process—people may move back and forth between stages.
Everyone grieves differently; there is no "right" way to experience loss.
Support from therapy, loved ones, and self-care can help in the healing process.
Grief is a deeply personal journey, but no one has to go through it alone. If you're struggling with loss, seeking professional support can help you navigate the emotions and find ways to heal.
Tonkin’s Model: Growing Around Grief
Grief is often seen as something to "get over," but Tonkin’s Model of Growing Around Grief, developed by Lois Tonkin, offers a different perspective. Instead of grief shrinking over time, this model suggests that grief stays the same, but our life grows around it.
Tonkin believed that in the early stages of loss, grief can feel overwhelming, taking up nearly all of our emotional space. Over time, however, rather than grief disappearing, life expands—bringing new experiences, relationships, and sources of meaning. This means that:
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It doesn’t necessarily shrink or go away.
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New experiences, joys, and relationships develop, making grief a smaller part of the whole.
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Instead, we learn to integrate grief into our lives.
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Healing happens in different ways and at different paces.
Why This Model is Helpful:
Reduces pressure to "get over" grief – Encourages acceptance that grief is a lasting part of life.
Helps normalise long-term grief – Shows that carrying grief doesn’t mean you are stuck.
Encourages personal growth – Reminds us that while grief stays, life can still expand and bring joy.
Tonkin’s Model offers a compassionate way to understand grief—it doesn’t disappear but becomes part of a larger, evolving life.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning to live with loss while still embracing growth and joy.
The Dual Process Model of Grief: Balancing Loss and Life
Grieving is not a straightforward process. Instead of moving through stages in a linear way, the Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, suggests that people oscillate between two key experiences: Loss-Oriented Grief and Restoration-Oriented Coping.
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Directly experiencing and processing the loss.
Includes feelings of sadness, longing, and deep emotional pain.
Activities: Remembering the loved one, crying, talking about the loss.
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Adjusting to life without the loved one.
Focusing on daily responsibilities, problem-solving, and creating new routines.
Activities: Going back to work, engaging in hobbies, forming new relationships.
Why This Model is Helpful
Acknowledges the ups and downs of grief – There is no single "right" way to grieve. Grief can be messy and inconsistent.
Normalises shifting between deep sorrow and moments of normalcy – It’s okay to cry one day and feel okay the next.
Encourages balance – Avoids getting stuck in overwhelming pain or suppressing grief entirely.
Healing Through the Dual Process
Grieving isn’t about choosing between remembering and moving forward—it’s about doing both.
The Dual Process Model can help you navigate grief in a way that allows you to honour their loss while also continuing to live and grow, it helps remove feelings of guilt and shame around healing.